HOW-TO
Make Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil
By Todd Brashear
With the holidays just weeks away, ‘tis the season for cookies, pies, cakes and cocoa. If you’d like to extend the shelf life of your tasty treats until the Road Warrior visits your post-apocalyptic home on Christmas Day 2129, you might want to use a hydrogenated vegetable oil instead of butter. Here’s how it’s made.
What you’ll need:
Seeds (sunflower, safflower, corn, rapeseed, cotton, soybeans, etc.)
Nickel oxide (See health warnings below.)
Hydrogen gas
High-pressure, high-temperature industrial reactor with hydrogenation chamber
Soap-like emulsifiers
Bleach
Coal tar dye (optional)
Artificial butter flavor (optional)
Step 1:
Extract oil by crushing seeds. Do not be alarmed if the oil smells rancid. It is completely edible, and the odor will dissipate during the deodorization phase. (See Step 4.)
Step 2:
Mix the oil with nickel oxide. Be sure to follow proper safety precautions.
Step 3:
Change the molecular structure of the mixture. Place oil and nickel oxide solution into the hydrogenation chamber. Raise heat and pressure, while incorporating hydrogen gas. Allow to hydrogenate for several hours. Remove from heat.
Step 4:
Filter and bleach the gray hydrogenated mixture. Add soap-like emulsifiers and return to heat until substance is deodorized.
Step 5:
For a delicious butter taste and appearance, add coal tar dye and artificial flavors.
Your vegetable oil is now hydrogenated and ready for incorporation into a variety of food products, including 40 percent of the foods in your supermarket. It will prolong the shelf life of crackers, cereals, ice cream, chips, pizzas, candy, peanut butter, dips and more.
For an additional taste sensation, try pairing it with high fructose corn syrup.
WARNING! NICKEL OXIDE IS HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED OR INHALED. CAUSES IRRITATION TO SKIN, EYES AND RESPIRATORY TRACT. MAY CAUSE NASAL OR LUNG DAMAGE. MAY CAUSE ALLERGIC SKIN OR RESPIRATORY REACTION. CANCER HAZARD. CAN CAUSE CANCER. Risk of cancer depends on duration and level of exposure.
Inhalation:
Can cause headaches, dizziness, and difficult breathing. Finer dust particulates may irritate the respiratory tract. Symptoms may include coughing, sore throat, and shortness of breath. Inhalation of nickel and nickel compounds is associated with nasal and lung damage and cancer.
Ingestion:
May cause irritation to the gastro-intestinal tract. Large oral dose may cause nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain and diarrhea.
Skin Contact:
Causes irritation, redness, pain. May cause allergic dermatitis. Nickel is a contact allergen and sensitizer.
Eye Contact:
Causes irritation, redness, and pain.
Chronic Exposure:
Prolonged exposure to excessive concentrations of dust may cause chronic pulmonary disorders. Nickel and certain nickel compounds are considered carcinogenic and noted for producing nasal and lung cancer.
Aggravation of Pre-existing Conditions:
Skin contact with some nickel compounds in sensitive individuals may cause dermatitis (nickel itch).