The Top 6 List
By Phillip Barnhard
February is the time to show that certain someone how much you care by bombarding him/her with giant overstuffed teddy bears, overpriced flowers and high-calorie chewables. Get your stomach pump ready as the Top 6 List brings you the worst of the worst in Valentine’s Day candy.
6. Necco® Sweethearts®
If you haven’t indulged in a box of Sweethearts in a while, be careful. There’s something fishy about the heart-shaped candy with cute little notes like, “Be Mine,” “Miss You” and “Call Me.” Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wonder about the disappearance of that large bucket of sidewalk chalk I had when I was a child and must question the familiar, yet unusual palate of lavender, peach, lime, rose, yellow and white mimicked in my box of Sweethearts. Listen, I’m not drawing any conclusions … all I’m saying is, “be careful.”
5. The Whitman’s Sampler®
Since 1842, Whitman’s Chocolates has been beating down its yellow-box recipients with a combination of toffee-crusted, cherry-inserted, oval-shaped wads of mystery. However, the Whitman’s Sampler has become a family tradition. Your great, great grandfather wooed his fair maiden with a yellow box of the Sampler and passed the same tradition down the line. Now, it’s your turn to continue the tradition of giving your loved one the Sampler and having them only finish half the box while the remaining chocolates sit on your counter for the next five months.
4. Gigantic Heart Filled with Chocolate
One jumbo-sized, heart-shaped box of chocolates. One giant ball of cholesterol forming in your arteries. One massive coronary heart attack. One jumbo-sized, heart-shaped coffin.
3. Love Beads
So your significant other opted against the heart-shaped diamond pendant on sale at Zale’s and got a better deal on a multi-colored, multi-flavored candy necklace. But before you throw it back in his face, why not try it on and see how it looks? Wear it to dinner parties, to the gym and in the shower. Brag about it to friends and family and pretend like it’s the best gift he’s ever given you. Tell your daughter that one day she will inherit mommy’s candy necklace. Once you’ve embarrassed the poor guy enough, then throw the Love Beads back in his face. He’ll never make that mistake again.
2. Gigantic Hershey’s® Kiss©
We’ve all noticed the unusually large take on the small, pyramid-esque morsel. Some have even purchased it for comedic effect or nostalgic appeal. But few know the pain-staking efforts that go into tackling one giant Kiss. That first bite into the 7-ounce, 1,050-calorie nightmare is a little difficult. Unless it’s been pocket-moistened, forget about that first piece coming out smooth. Instead, expect to lose two incisors, suffer a dislocated jaw and experience multiple seizures – all before you gnaw through the first layer of milk chocolate.
1. Dove® Hollow Milk Chocolate Rose
Too cheap to buy your significant other flowers and candy? Can’t choose between the two? Dove has you covered. For about $3 you can land yourself the best of both worlds – a hollow milk chocolate rose on top of a plastic green stem. The artificial rose comes complete with plastic thorns (careful, they’ll bend) and papery leaves that detach. The confusion ensues on the receiving end. Do you eat this thing or do you put it in a vase with a little water? Here’s a tip: Smile and pretend to smell it to amuse the gift-giver. Later, spear plastic stem into a large marshmallow and roast over an open flame. Insert rose and marshmallow between two graham crackers. Indulge.
E-mail the author: Phillip Barnhard