To improve their image, politicians turn to liquor, prostitutes.
Satire by Todd Brashear

After a long string of charges including corruption, racial slurs, bribery, influence peddling, drunk driving, a shooting, election fraud, overall incompetence and inappropriate advances toward minors, members of the Democratic and Republican parties today announced a new campaign to improve their public image.

As part of the initiative, leaders reportedly agreed to a long-term, PR program intended to improve their public perception by 2011 from “low-down, dirty scumbags” to “cold-blooded snakes in the grass” – and ultimately to  “people who could be trusted not to steal their neighbors’ lawn sprinklers” by 2016.

Details of the plan have yet to be finalized, but anonymous sources close to both sides say the politicians understand the reality of their image problems and are committed for the long-term to correcting those issues.

“Baby steps,” said one staffer.

Another aide mentioned a series of high-profile appearances with individuals considered more reputable than the politicians, hoping that a little public elbow-rubbing with prostitutes and heavy drinkers might transition their public image from criminals to mere ne’er do wells. Other plans reportedly include refusing to take lobbying dollars from Big Tobacco, opting instead for contributions from the Pit Bull Breeders Association and the Organization of Highly Flammable Childrenswear Manufacturers.

“There’s no quick fix to this problem,” said political science professor Mark Rafkin, “but conducting a healthy debate of the issues starts when both sides stop calling each other ‘Nazis.’”

The moral of this satire? Whether you’re a public servant or the president of a publicly traded company, your constituents’ perception of you and your organization is critical to your success. And managing a positive image is a whole lot easier than fixing a negative one. Take the time to build the right image. Make sure it works for you. And then take care of it. After all, we don’t get as many second chances as our politicians.

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